Lesson 3: Feelings

Click here to download this lesson's workbook...Show/Hide Transcript

JJ Parker  0:02  
Welcome, everybody. This is our lesson on feelings. I'm really excited about this lesson, because I feel it's really important. It's really one of the things that can help you a lot in your self awareness. Yes,

Melissa Albers  0:22  
exactly right. As as we had talked about in one of the earlier lessons of understanding that what we consider self awareness is being able to have that conscious real time knowledge and power feeling. This lesson will really help you start to identify how it is that you do really feel about it. Yeah.

JJ Parker  0:40  
So let's start off with what are feelings?

Unknown Speaker  0:48  
Because yes, that's such a good question. Seems like

JJ Parker  0:50  
such a basic question. Yeah, right. But yeah, well, you ask people about feelings. You know, sometimes it's all over the map. Yes. And what I want us to get Really what our definition is to use as a basis for this conversation.

Melissa Albers  1:05  
Yeah, thanks. Thanks for asking because I too, I want to make sure that we're differentiating the difference between feelings as in what you notice on the outside your reaction to things, other people's emotions to things. We're not referring to those feelings. We're refute, we're referring to how you really feel on the inside before all that other stuff comes out. Got it? So, you know,

JJ Parker  1:37  
as a man, I just felt like I've generally ever had two feelings like are often hungry. Those feelings?

Melissa Albers  1:49  
Well, perhaps perhaps, those couldn't be I won't. There's, there's no there's no right or wrong, right. I really think that with all feelings, there's true Due to sponsoring emotion behind all feelings, and that is love and fear. And, you know, in a business setting in my coaching, I can't I have gotten more comfortable using those two words, but coaching, you know, males that are very used to being a certain way.

JJ Parker  2:22  
Like, let me tell you right now, like you can't use the word love Exactly. Coaching situation is not part of the business lexicon Not at all, you know, exactly fear or profit i think is.

Melissa Albers  2:41  
So what we're really referring to though, are those deeper feelings that you have that you are usually pushing away. You're ignoring, or you certainly are not spending any time with at all because you haven't been trained or conditioned to Yeah, and I always think it's really interesting. Like, when you think about how we were raised, at least in America, I know we have listeners from all over the world, which is cool. In America, it was very typical to be raised. Certainly in my generation, that you focused on your your top five senses. You can read articles about your senses, you hear parents parenting around senses, what you see, taste, touch, smell or hear.

JJ Parker  3:27  
And really, like when I want to hear those, those are like, external sensing. This is how I'm yeah. Finding my physical way around. Right. Right. My environment. Right, right.

Melissa Albers  3:41  
And we're encouraged to develop those skills. Right. Wait, don't don't go across the street until you look for cars. Yeah, don't touch that oven. It's hot, right? You could be hurt if you touched it. And so you practice all of these things all the time and you How many times did your parents and maybe they did. But how many times did your parents say? Well, how did you feel? How does that feel? And when you made that decision, what did that feel like for you?

Unknown Speaker  4:13  
Yeah. I mean, not at all even thinking of

JJ Parker  4:17  
my own parenting. Yeah. I mean, we talk so much more with the kids about those five senses, right? And yeah, we try to ask them how they're feeling. But yeah, not the same level of training that we now teach them know how things feel or how things yeah, tastes are certainly, like visual is a big thing you got to be looking out for for dangers and things like that.

Melissa Albers  4:43  
In my, in my world, like my experience as a child. The only time feelings were usually introduced to the conversation is in a punitive way. Like, if you did that, how do you think other people will feel?

JJ Parker  4:57  
Oh, right, right.

Melissa Albers  4:59  
Like And and really how do you think they felt when you said that? Or when you did that? And then it's like, Oh,

JJ Parker  5:07  
right, so well and even with our kids, I know we'll find ourselves using the wall. How do you think that made me feel?

Unknown Speaker  5:15  
Yes. Right.

Melissa Albers  5:18  
Isn't that but here we are as self awareness, journey junkies and we're just now realizing that we are sending our children to the couch somewhere. I always used to say to the kids, listen, you're gonna get end up on a couch for something I did. I'm just gonna do it now and get it over. So yeah,

JJ Parker  5:36  
I was so I was even chatting with a friend a few weeks ago, and we were talking about the same thing. We were talking about how we almost felt like ill equipped Yeah, adults around this emotional topic like we are never trained to understand. We're never taught how to process our emotions and engage with other people on that. level and, and. Right. We're kind of laughing because it was like, really we're like, in our 40s. And we're just trying to figure this out on our own. Yeah.

Melissa Albers  6:08  
Right. Yeah. Because it was more of a conversation about the reactiveness rather than the proactive, like, How are you feeling? Yeah. And I believe and you believe we've been talking about this for quite a while now is that your feelings are the guideposts for everything. And your feelings will tell you what's happening for you Well, before your brain does. And what's super interesting about it is your body will tell you how you're feeling before your mental activity tells you how you're feeling. Yeah,

JJ Parker  6:40  
yeah, we've talked about that a lot. So without like, losing half the audience, we refer to that as a sixth sense. Yes. Right. People kind of joke around with like, Oh, you've got a sixth sense. You've got an intuition about a thing. You've got a premonition about a thing. I feel like a lot of our popular culture is around kind of like joking about that idea but are sensationalizing

Melissa Albers  7:06  

JJ Parker  7:08  
Sure. Right. But it's not really, you know, but it's there. And, and, and it's real. And yeah, we should, you know, really lean into that more.

Melissa Albers  7:18  
Yeah. And I would say that that that sense, is the one that came first and will leave last. And it is the thing that you have forever. And it's an amazing and wonderful thing, when you are able to tap into it more and understand what it's telling you. And that is exactly that whole part of self awareness that we talked about the conscious knowledge real time of how you are feeling allows you to make all different kinds of decisions or be really different in your life.

JJ Parker  7:48  
So why do you think it is that people don't really trust this? Six sounds right? Yeah, you know, the other ones. I I get like, here, we Can we can feel things we can taste things there. Yeah, you know, they're very kind of concrete. Right? Physical. But this one's not like that. So wonder why are people not trusting in it more?

Melissa Albers  8:14  
I think that there's a I and I'm not, this is not the answer. It's just my reaction to your question and it would be really interesting to hear what other people's reactions are to that. Definitely. I feel like for me, the reason that I didn't is because I was so busy trying to fit in, I always wanted to be the person that made everybody else feel good. I always wanted to be the person that you know, could be flexible when others weren't or, and I just never wanted to do anything that would make someone else feel bad. And so I gave up my own feeling of good and goodness for what I thought was the best reason ever for the benefit of others. And, and in today's world, if you talk about yourself, too often You jump into that selfish like you get that whole conversation rolling where people say, if you take care of yourself first that's really selfish.

JJ Parker  9:09  
We've talked about that a lot. And yeah, we'll aro pinion on that. Yeah. Is it is not selfish to take care of yourself is actually feel more selfish to be taking care of others and neglecting yourself? Yes. Because, you know, I've, you know, I've used this phrase, you know quite a bit even, you know, with my wife and with other people like you're no good to us. You know, you're no good to us if you're completely stressed out and frazzled and not taking care of yourself. So yeah, please help us out by taking.

Melissa Albers  9:42  
Yeah, yeah, it's so true though. And we make ourselves wrong. Anytime we turn the light on to ourselves to make ourselves feel better, or to feel good or to make choices that we think will honor ourselves immediately behind that is guilt and shame. And then we feel like we have to justify why we feel like this. Well, you know, like I used to I remember when I was younger with younger children, my husband and I would try to take turns on the weekends because we both worked. And it was exhausting. And on a Saturday, I would say, I need I just need some time. Yeah. And I would say, I'll be gone until noon, and I would leave at like eight. All right at noon, I was nowhere ready to come home. Because I just needed time so desperately to recharge. But I would feel so guilty asking, and he didn't care. He really didn't care. But I did. I thought I was doing something wrong. My feelings were like, I'm still so tired. I just want some time. And then immediately, it's like, well, that must not be right. I must be I must be being selfish. Yeah. So it's just interesting to own our own mind how our mind plays games with us about our feelings. Yeah,

JJ Parker  10:59  
I would say Like, for me with that feeling sense. I, for a very long time, I think was just like my default move in life is to just do things. Right. The more workout that I have, the harder I work at home. You know, if I get stressed, I throw myself into a gigantic project for aid. Yeah. And as long as like we're five

Melissa Albers  11:28  
or five, right, Yannick pricer

JJ Parker  11:31  
but like, in retrospect does like an avoidance technique. That's just me trying to like, okay, everything's fine. Like, just keep plowing through Yeah, let's not actually sit with any of that feeling and process through it and really think, think, think through and not really work on that skill or that or develop that muscle right.

Melissa Albers  11:51  
But that was such a great that's a great example of what we were just saying is that we push our feelings away. Yep. or avoid them like they must not be right I'm going to go do something I'm going to do this project and Raj.

JJ Parker  12:03  
Yeah. Yep.

Melissa Albers  12:05  
Yeah, it's so true. being in touch with your feelings is so powerful because it affords you the opportunity to be even better. Like it affords you the opportunity to really have awareness of some deep stuff going on for you. So that when you're interacting with other people, you are providing a really consistent column. I always say being home, when you are able to really identify what your feelings are, and know what's behind them understand your feelings. Even if they're not great or they're great. It doesn't matter. It's not about the judgment of them. It's about understanding what you're feeling in that moment. Yeah, it affords you so much more centeredness. Yeah, yeah.

JJ Parker  12:52  
I just had a thing happened this week, where I really worked on this skill. Hey, So, earlier this week, we were supposed to have a webinar that work that I was hosting. Yeah, we promoted it. There's a bunch of people signed up, and we were doing it with one of our partners. And then the couple days before the partner called and said, Hey, I won't we all cancel a webinar. Oh, why would you want to cancel it? And then go and we had done when the previous week to which they had attended as like an example. Oh, sure. And they go, Well, we saw the previous webinar, and we really just didn't like it. Oh, it's like, so Well, I was like, Oh, right. Because my first reaction was just like, You gotta be kidding me. Like you're, you know, like, I thought it was great. Why do you not like the thing I made? Right? Like, what was wrong with that just went into this whole cycle. You know, judgment judgment about it or and then in the blame like, Oh, these guys don't know what they're talking about the webinar was amazing, right? Yeah, interesting that but what I did is, you know, I could feel before I did any of that I could really feel all of that stuff coming up right now is like up there it is there it is right on cue there. It was right

Unknown Speaker  14:26  
on cue. That's awesome, right.

JJ Parker  14:27  
And what I was able to do is like, I knew exactly what those feelings were going to be. I like let them come up a bit into my awareness on the call with them. Yeah. And I was able to stay really centered during that. Because the fact is, they called me that was a hard call to make for them. Like they didn't want to tell me my thing sucked, right? Yeah. And they were so gracious because they said, Hey, you know We'd like, I'm pretty sure what you're trying to do here. The reason we want to cancel is because we didn't have as many people register as we wanted. And we wanted to try to bring in some other people to make it even better. I was like, well, that's awesome. Yeah. I mean, that's them in a position of support. But the initial part of that conversation I so easily could have exploded there, right and gone

Melissa Albers  15:27  
down or avoided

JJ Parker  15:29  
all sorts of things, but the awareness, that emotions are going to come up, I kind of know what it's going to do. And being able to get through that conversation. The end result was great. Yeah, I don't feel bad about it. Yeah, you know, the thing is gonna be better than it was, was gonna be. Anyway.

Melissa Albers  15:48  
Yeah, this is such an interesting story. And I also want to point out something that I also is noticing, as you're telling the story is, you had an emotional reaction to what they said to you, and then you went Write up into your brain. So your brain went tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick rate. No. But let me ask you something. Ah, when you had the emotional reaction, where did you feel that in your body? Hmm.

JJ Parker  16:14  
That's a great question. All right. Let's say I'm trying to think the rest of the break get right back. Sorry. And thank you. Let's relive these things over and over. I like to me, it like it did kind of come, like, lower kind of from like, God. And, you know, to me, it's kind of like, comes up through my body. Right. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker  16:45  
So, yeah, it's interesting.

JJ Parker  16:47  
And I, you know, I like I'm an art school kid, right. And so I always, whenever someone gives me like feedback, in this case, constructive feedback, the feedback How is that Like they're saying, like, they don't like my art, right? Yeah. And it's almost like hurtful, or you got to make sure as especially as like an artist that like you are not your art your art is, or is not you need to separate that. But it's still felt like oh, there's like the dagger come at that

Melissa Albers  17:18  
hurt your feelings? Yeah, I mean it hurt your feelings,

JJ Parker  17:21  
because they're saying I don't like the art. But it's so easy to take that as I don't like you and the things,

Melissa Albers  17:28  
which is a human reaction, though, but yeah, but and you're making light of it. But that's really true. It's like, because we have these very baseline feelings inside of us. And a lot of times, we don't even know we're having them. So like, you and I are in this process of really learning as everybody listening like we're really entering into the experience and experiment of learning. But we have to start from somewhere and a lot of times, we don't know how we feel we just realize once our brain has taken it over Cattle catalogued and categorized it. So we spend, as soon as that feeling hits us somewhere, then it usually travels right up. And then the brain takes over, you know, and it's like, I think this way, this is why and I can justify this and I'm going to make this okay with me here and dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, dah, but it's all up here. Yet, if we want to get stronger, faster, better, more content, with understanding our feelings, it really starts with understanding how our body reacts. Yeah, let me let me just try a cup. Let me just try a couple things. Okay. I'm going to I'm going to say, an emotion. And then you say how you feel where you feel it in your body if you can, I'll do the same thing. This might totally flop but you

Unknown Speaker  18:45  
know, you guys love us. except us anyway. Okay, so if you

Melissa Albers  18:51  
want so Abby, that's his little girl, Abby, darling. cutest thing ever. Abby suddenly runs in To the street and you have an instant feeling of complete and utter fear.

JJ Parker  19:04  
Oh, yeah. Where would you feel that in your bottle? That's like, right in my chest like, real tight? Yeah, like a big inhale. Yep. Right. And

Melissa Albers  19:13  

JJ Parker  19:14  
exactly. This is for me. There's a fast very fast reaction.

Melissa Albers  19:18  
Yeah. And I, for me, I also feel it in my chest. And I would say it's almost like this adrenaline rush, my chest feels tight, like, and I can almost feel my heart starting to pound, but at the same time, my throat gets tight. Oh, yeah. Like, you know, just like everything seizes up. So in that moment of being fearful, your body was reacting to the fear now immediately before your brain even registered. Yeah, and

JJ Parker  19:44  
I bet everyone can relate to that. Because that happens before you can say, Hey, stop, look out rage. And before anything can actually get out of your

Melissa Albers  19:55  
body is all we've already been, you know bodies in movement already. Somehow you If it's not in the outside, your body's already in movement, like, hey, you're having a feeling and you're having a reaction, you're having an emotional feeling. So okay, like, how about how about this? How about, you're working on a project at work with a huge potential new customer? And I mean, okay, so we'll just like, say, this customer, if they were your business partner would totally change your entire business for the next 10 years. So, okay. And I don't know if that's his car. No, but let's try that. So like, just like they called you up on a Friday at five, you didn't think you were going to hear from them on Monday. So you thought you'd have to wait the whole time and you're kind of like building and you're trying not to think about it. And they call you at five and they say, we love you and we can't wait to partner with Yeah,

JJ Parker  20:44  
that to me, would be almost like a fluttering sensation. Like, yeah, inside, like almost butterflies in your stomach. Yeah, you know, yeah, that's how I'd feel that

Melissa Albers  20:56  
Yeah, me too. Me too, except I actually have a little bit of a difference. Like for me, I do, I would have that feeling in my stomach. And the other thing, I think I would feel like sort of light. Like, everything feels like just euphoric, like, I feel so happy. And I just feel like smiling, you know, like, everything's like nothing is going to bother me. So happy. So that's where you feel that in your body, that's how I feel. And it'd be really interesting for you to just take a moment and decide with those two examples. Where do you notice those things in your body? Because by getting more of a relationship with noticing how something feels in your body, it actually can help you tap into those feelings like immediately. So let me ask you one last one, that's a little bit of a harder one. How do you feel in your body when you don't feel good enough? Like in the moment when you're working with people or at home, and Like your wife says something or you forgot to do something that you were going to Yeah. And suddenly it's like in front of you that you that you've, you've failed or you don't feel good enough.

JJ Parker  22:12  
Yeah, I would say Yeah. Like, I kind of feel I feel heavy. I kind of feel like slumped over, like hunched over, you know? Yeah. Bye, bye. Posture probably gets bad.

Melissa Albers  22:24  
Yeah, I I, because I think that happens a lot for all of us in all different ways. It could be something very little like, Oh, I forgot to send in my payment for something on time. Or it could be something as massive as you know, I didn't pick my kid up at four o'clock and they had to wait for 20 minutes alone, or something, you know, it could be a whole slew of things. And we just like all of a sudden feel like we're not good enough. And that manifests in the body and all sorts of ways and I would go so far as to say think about the people in your life. You know very, very well and think about what is their body language tell you when they're really happy. What does their body language tell you when they're feeling really down? And I too feel like when I don't feel good enough I have all this fluttering sensation again like my throat starts to not feel good but the other thing that happens is I get like heavy I feel small like I want to almost curl up in a tight little ball. Yeah, and disappear. I almost want to make myself small. It's like my body actually feels like it's trying to make itself small. Isn't that interesting?

JJ Parker  23:39  
Yeah, I think you know, I certainly know people. My my wife's one of them. That's really good reading body language. Like she'll say like, What's wrong, like? Nothing? Obviously, obviously, like, your line. That's so funny. that some people are really get really tuned into reading body language. And that's like, yes. You know, one of the things that is actually hard for us to, to lie about, right? Yeah. Like we're not able to really control that. I mean, certainly with our kids, like, we know when they're based on their body language like,

Melissa Albers  24:16  
yeah, like, unless they're really, really good.

JJ Parker  24:24  
But isn't that interesting when we, when we are talking about our feelings, right? We're working on getting better ourselves at recognizing our feelings. Yes. Other people are pretty tuned in to recognizing yes, those same physical, you know, feelings, as well as all very interesting that, you know, you might go so far as to say, you might be better at recognizing feelings and others than you do in yourself

Melissa Albers  24:49  
is it actually at the beginning of this process, it's way easier and we talked about that in some of the other modules, the environmental fields, we really talk about that a lot. And but it is all Almost easier outside of yourself to notice because we have mastered the skill of interacting with other people by acting a certain way. And and like so far as I would say, which brings us kind of into this next piece that I would want us to talk about which is in the roadmap when you're looking at the self awareness journey roadmap, there are segments that say the actor self, and there are segments that say the authentic self. And there is a whole segment on the feelings within that. So for example, if you're not sure, if you are acting within your normal centered state, or when you're home and your authentic self, you can tell by how you are feeling so some of the feelings around being in your authentic self would be feeling really content and feeling really safe and satisfied. And knowing that whatever you're creating, it makes you feel good. Everything is about feeling good. And then when something triggers As us, we go into the act yourself. And we start to behave in ways that let us know our feelings aren't being you know, our feelings are not being validated by ourselves necessarily right in that act yourself. We may feel like a lot more competitive, we're more feeling around is a Is this okay? Like we're constantly checking it asking ourselves over and over again. Am I doing this right? Is this okay? And, and our feelings are just a lot more wobbly or off balance. And I think that that is because we are spending so much time in that actor self that we are not paying attention to our feelings necessarily. Yeah.

JJ Parker  26:37  
Or maybe, you know, another way I would would think about that as maybe you've just overrun by your emotions, right? They they're kind of running the show. You know, that kind of playing puppeteer? Yeah. Yeah. with you.

Melissa Albers  26:54  
And it's usually because something has triggered you. So we we have this this great module. Look, the lesson of triggers. And this goes hand in hand with that lesson very much, because something will trigger you. And it could be a really big trigger, it could be something really, really little. And then you'll instantly have feelings about it. And and so that's a really good thing to kind of look at those two things together. I think the last thing that I would really want us to talk about is bringing this back to, once we have these feelings what we do with them, no,

JJ Parker  27:29  
yes. Yeah, I think that's really, really interesting. I mean, once we, you know, once we kind of can start recognizing that they're popping up. Yeah. What do we what do we do with that? Yeah, right. Yeah.

Melissa Albers  27:45  
So I think the first thing that would be interesting to ask, and this will also be in the reflections question after this module, but it would be also really interesting to ask, when I have a certain feeling, what do I do with it? So if I do Something and I feel like my coworkers are judging me. If I have that feeling what do I do right now? Yeah, do I shove it away? Do I try to justify it? And most often do I feel a lot of guilt? Yeah. Am I shaming myself if I'm am I starting to tell myself a story because I had a feeling

JJ Parker  28:21  
Yeah, there's so there's so many things there right like some also take those feelings and shove them back down. Yes. Try to ignore them. Yeah. And not me or didn't miss busy, you know, put in our back pocket for later.

Melissa Albers  28:35  
Yeah. Much later.

JJ Parker  28:36  
Much, much later. Hey, never, never until we just have such a pocketful. It explodes. Right. Then, That, to me, seems pretty recognizable for a lot of people, right? Like, oh, yeah, no, I shove my feelings aside. Well, yeah, like, don't do that. But also, I think that's a very common Yeah, thanks for calling to

Melissa Albers  28:59  
help people. Get By

JJ Parker  29:01  
the one that that you also mentioned was sort of justifying your feelings. You know, in almost like a, like a blaming way, right? Oh, this person makes me feel that way. Like they made you feel that like they made you feel that way? Or you feel that way because of Yeah. So that's interesting to explore then the story making thing that one. You know, we see a lot where I have a feeling. Yeah, I don't know really. Why. Right, but it's wrong, but it's strong and it's here. And, well, what our brains do too, because like our brains want to make sense of everything. Yes. And if something doesn't make sense, our brains will make up a story to make sure it makes sense because we can't live in a world with ambiguity. Like that there's just something about all of our human brains that we can't let something be a mystery without an explanation. Right?

Melissa Albers  30:08  
That's so well put. So

JJ Parker  30:11  
we love to just make up the story about why it might not actually be true.

Melissa Albers  30:16  
No, right. And it usually isn't,

JJ Parker  30:18  
most of the time is not right. And, and unfortunately, most of the time we make up those stories, or they're not positive stories and some negative stories. And

Melissa Albers  30:28  
yeah, what I always say at this part of any conversation is, is that we use our own thoughts to make ourselves feel worse. Yeah. So you're using our own thoughts to make ourselves feel bad. I mean, just think about that. So. So I would just say the first part of what do we do with all this future state is to really take a little bit of time and understand what am I doing with these feelings that I have, when I don't think they're favorable? Like if I don't feel really good about this? What do I do with those feelings today? And once you sort of identify That there's some real benefits to first being able to understand what you're doing with it. Now there's huge benefits. And the first thing I would encourage everyone to know is that you came up with those reasons you came up with these patterns for reason, you came up with doing these things, because at some point in your life, it made sense. And it works for you for a really long time. If it's coming up for you now, and it's making you feel bad, it simply means that you have outgrown that you no longer need what you used to do. And now you're seeking something different. Yeah. And that is a really beautiful thing. And then what happens is it allows you to not feel judgmental or to make yourself wrong, which can help release the guilt which can help release the shame.

JJ Parker  31:53  
I think that's worth saying again, I mean, just the idea that I think you pattern that used to serve you might not serve you anymore. Right? And that we should really, right kind of take stock of those things all the time and evaluate like, hey, when I used to get I get really angry about this. Yeah. Does that serve me today? Yeah, I just an old thing that was because that's how he reacted when I was a child. Right? All thing that was happening when I was in my 20s. Right right now,

Melissa Albers  32:25  
exactly. I can actually give a real life example. So when I was in my late 20s, early 30s, I would have relationships with people that mostly are still in my life today, which lucky for me, because I had certain patterns where when I felt threatened, or I felt I wasn't good enough, which actually was a lot. I felt not good enough, a lot. Well, what I would do is I would take on this sort of persona, I would be much more assertive about my feelings in that moment, and I would try to take the light off of me. I didn't No, I was doing this. This was not an intentional thing. But my pattern was to quickly push it off on someone else because I didn't want that. I didn't like how it made me feel. And I was going to control the situation enough so that I could feel okay. And that's served me for a really long time. And what I mean by that is, a lot of times when I was young, I didn't have any control of the situation. Because I was a kid, lots of upheaval. As I got older, I started to have more control, and it probably made me feel safe. I'm getting into my own head right now. I'm guessing, but but that was sort of my pattern is I suddenly realized, Oh, I can control more than I ever could before. Yeah. And that worked. Until it didn't, yeah, when I realized, I don't really want that. I don't actually feel good in the controlling of and it feels much better to just let things right like what can happen if if I give myself the space like, Oh, I'm having this feeling now. 20 years ago, my tape would be or whenever, however long ago, my tape would be, I'm having this feeling boom, I'm going to control everything around me so that I can get out of that feeling because I don't like that feeling. Yep. And I did that a lot. And I was a master at it. It worked. It worked for a long time, at the expense of me and other people. But I didn't know that. Yeah, now I do. And I'm now ready to pursue a different way. Because that doesn't serve me anymore. Yeah, so I think being you know, just being really transparent. Like, that's the kind of stuff that we're talking about. It's this it's the stuff that you know, it's like a niggling inside that just doesn't feel right. Yeah.

JJ Parker  34:35  
The The other thing about feelings is like the guilt and the shame. The the statement that everyone makes right after a feeling. They say, I shouldn't feel this way. Yeah, right. Yeah. They feel guilty for having Feeling

Unknown Speaker  35:01  
Yeah, they feel guilty. Like it's not

Melissa Albers  35:03  
a good feeling so I shouldn't have it.

JJ Parker  35:05  
So it's like a double negative. Yeah, it's a double down. But yeah, like let's make this even worse by feeling guilty about it.

Melissa Albers  35:12  
Yeah. Or if not guilt, I mean, certainly guilt handmaiden is is Shame, shame. Yeah. And there's a lot of coaching conversation that I have where people will say, Well, I know you're going to say this when I tell you this, like they immediately go because and I know that that's like their cue for I am feeling a lot of shame about this. Like, I know you're gonna judge me because I'm already judging me and i'm, i'm not i'm not most people aren't but we get into this, you know, manufactured state with our brain. Yeah, that's trying to make that whole. These are the feelings let's put them in a box.

JJ Parker  35:45  
Yeah. So there's probably a whole bunch of layers in the house, right? Because, yeah, yes, first, the Vive I shouldn't. I shouldn't feel that way. is like you One source of it might be like you're comparing yourself against others. Yeah. Well, yeah. You know, like, you know, my husband doesn't react this way. And so I shouldn't either. Right. Yeah. Which isn't, which isn't fair. Right. Right. So comparison is a problem. Certainly like, like you think you should maybe be Mr. Control. Right? Yeah. of your feelings. But the fact is like, you don't really control them now. I mean, you can No, that's awesome. And right, rationalize them. And, but you can't control them. No, like, there is no control. No, like, no give up on that idea right now. Right, exactly.

Melissa Albers  36:46  
Right, exactly. Right. But your muscle memory will tell you, you can do all sorts of things that way, but your feelings are your feelings. They are never wrong. Now. Your feelings are the guideposts to everything. So I would say the first part of this You ask the question, you know, what can you do about this? The first thing is, is just take a little bit bit of time to understand what are you doing right now. And then the second component to this as we'll talk more about this in future lessons, but this lesson is really get in and understand what your feelings are and what your patterns are within those. The second thing that I would say is everything that you do, your feelings are your guidepost, you're never wrong, your feelings are never wrong. And so if you want to sort of start to untie some of these knots of your past, really is to ask yourself a little more question a few more questions like, like, why am I feeling like that? Oh, there it is. Like you said right on cue. I loved that phrase, my feelings hit right on cue. And to sit sit with that for a minute and say what's behind that feeling? Is that really true? Where did I get this feeling? When when do I remember feeling like this exact thing. Was this from a long time ago? Did I just start asking yourself a lot of questions like that open ended big questions, not specific limiting questions, but open ended, will afford you the opportunity to have flexibility and openness and to start to understand yourself more. And with more understanding comes a lot more objectivity and objectivity removes judgment, and then you have a lot of space to move and grow.

JJ Parker  38:27  
That's great.

Melissa Albers  38:28  
Yeah. So we encourage you to go right to the reflections section. We're so happy you had the conversation with us today.

Transcribed by https://otter.ai