Lesson 4: Authentic vs. Actor Self

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JJ Parker  0:02  
Welcome to our lesson for which is the authentic self versus the actor self. Now, this one is really interesting because yeah, one of my first things when we talk about this, this contrast, right? Yeah, good. Like, what what does that exactly mean? Because like, I don't walk around in normal life saying, Oh, I'm really feeling like an actor self today. You know what I mean? Don't wear

Melissa Albers  0:33  
your Shakespeare.

JJ Parker  0:35  
Nothing got that. That mask? Hang on.

Melissa Albers  0:41  
I've never understood that. There must

JJ Parker  0:42  
be something very different. Well, we'll dive into that in a pod.

Unknown Speaker  0:45  
Okay, sounds good.

JJ Parker  0:47  
But I think, you know, obviously, in these teachings, we're going to talk about that a lot. It's a core piece of the self awareness journey. roadmap. That's right. All right, we really have to dive into what exactly we mean, in these two terms, right? It's a really important part of, of navigating the roadmap,

Melissa Albers  1:10  
right. And I would suggest to while you're listening to this, make sure that right now, you have the roadmap handy. So if you have not yet printed out the roadmap, you can simply find it in our website under roadmap. And I think it's a really good idea to have that one handy, because we're going to really reference that a lot today. Some of the other lessons, we don't reference it as much, but it's really important for today's conversation, really. And I like how you use the phrase contrast. Like we've never said that word in relation to this topic. But it's exactly that. Isn't that interesting. So I think maybe what we could do is talk about the definitions first of each one,

JJ Parker  1:47  
I love diving into the definitions.

Melissa Albers  1:50  
So the authentic self and this one I did a little googling which I usually do for the definitions. It's about the only thing I do in real preparation for some of this Some of this videotaping, but the definitions for the authentic self, I will found this which I thought is great. The authentic self is who you truly are as a person, regardless of your occupation, your influence over others. It is an honest representation of you. Okay, so you're authentic to be authentic means not caring what others think about you. Yeah. Okay, herein lies the slippery slope. And to be authentic is to be true to yourself through your thoughts, words and actions. I like that

JJ Parker  2:34  
great, really nice. Yeah, really nice.

Melissa Albers  2:36  
Yeah. to maturity yourself through your thoughts, words and actions.

JJ Parker  2:39  
I would like to be like that.

Melissa Albers  2:42  
That's why we're doing this. It's not for the listeners sake, it's really for us to try to get better. We have a long way to go. That's true. And then the act yourself. So this was interesting to me. These two phrases, AI as the roadmap was being developed These two phrases continue to come to me, I won't claim ownership over them because there's no such thing as ownership over words. But as I was describing different ways of being in your day, these two natural things just kept coming up here when you're being your authentic self, or when you slip into the actor mode and being in the actor self. So then I thought, well, that's interesting. I wonder what the actor self says, if there's a Google representation for that, and I could not find one. And everything that went to the actor self had to do with literally the profession of acting. And I thought, actually, that's even as interesting as finding a good definition. Yeah. So looking at the roadmap, I would just say, to notice that on each side of the roadmap on the left side, you'll notice the words authentic self, with the word home next to it. And then on the right side of the roadmap, it says the actor self which is a way And for the point of our conversation, I guess I would say, the act yourself is really who you become. The moment that you feel your ability to partner with someone is affected. So if you can't be yourself if you can't be your authentic self, either because of someone is acting a certain way to you feel like you're being judged. People react or respond to something that you've said or done. And that didn't feel quite right for you. We immediately slip it right into an act yourself.

JJ Parker  4:38  
Got it? So like, like if I'm, if I'm meeting with somebody and they're acting in a way that's not really resonating, I'll change the way I naturally my communicate or be to try to fit in with them. Yes. Is that a waste state that's, I'm I'm acting, I'm kind of putting putting on hold Little bit of a show.

Melissa Albers  5:01  
Right? And and it might not even be major, it could be very subtle. And the and the interesting thing about it, though, is you're not feeling any different on the inside. But you felt a need to change how you were showing up. And so you switched into this sort of way of having to act.

JJ Parker  5:21  
Yeah. So let me ask you like, why do we do that? Like, why do we have this? Why do we feel compelled to like switch the way we are? Just to make maybe please or fit in with other people?

Melissa Albers  5:35  
Yeah. And that's such a great question. I believe that we as humans, need people. We are a tribal people. And from the moment we are born, we are in partnership with other people. We have to get along with other people.

JJ Parker  5:53  
Surely, right from the get go. We need our parents for survival exactly right or for food and turns on very basic thing, yeah. Then as you grow up, right, you need it for, you know, jobs and spouse partners and all sorts of different things basic

Melissa Albers  6:12  
survival, in addition to some really deep intrinsic needs and wants. And so we from the time were very, very young. And I will assert that by the time you're four years old, you already know exactly how you have to act, to be in a position of getting along with or fitting into your family unit. Which is really interesting. Because as you develop, and I've had this conversation a few times, and I just find it so fascinating how people interact with this conversation, be interested in what you think, when you're four years old. If you do something that's not favorable, and your parents look at you in a certain way, how did you know if it was working, how you were acting was it was working or not, and if not for your earliest memory.

JJ Parker  7:01  
Well, yeah, that's a good question. Right? I mean, like, if I was doing something my parents didn't like, yeah, I, you know, well for my dad, I just got the look. Oh, it didn't take much from my dad. It was just kind of like a look and straighten right often.

Melissa Albers  7:19  
Isn't that interesting? All right. A simple look. I dress I dressed and adjusted your entire behavior. Yeah.

JJ Parker  7:27  
Yeah. How about your mom? She was a little more vocal. So it's mine. But yeah, you know, my mom would definitely do a huge, she would do a more like, Well, I was very I'm very disappointed in that kind of, oh, decision,

Melissa Albers  7:50  
you know, the worst word disappointed.

JJ Parker  7:54  
Yeah. Oh.

Melissa Albers  7:56  
But But isn't that interesting. So like, you can immediately recall and it was be interesting for all of you, as you're listening to this, can you immediately recall your earliest memory of doing something in your family unit that was not favorable? And how you responded to it, because you were going into your act herself? Mm hmm. So even if it wasn't honoring or serving you,

JJ Parker  8:20  
it was the, like, it was, you know, it's us trying to, like, be part of the tribe. Right. And,

Unknown Speaker  8:27  
yeah, you know,

JJ Parker  8:30  
let's talk about like, I would say, like the opposite of not fitting in the tribe. Yeah, I might be like a rebel. Right? Like, I'm just gonna screw it. I'm gonna do whatever I want. Right? I don't care. I but in that, in that way, that's not really exactly what you're talking about. being authentic self. Like being your authentic self doesn't necessarily mean you're being like, countercultural or exactly against the You know, your family unit or your friend? circle,

Melissa Albers  9:03  
right? No, no, no. Great. That's a great, great awareness and a great thing to say. So what I would say is, from the moment that you're young, as you start to develop, you will eventually come to your own conclusions about what you like what feels good to you and what doesn't feel good to you. So if you're in a family, like we always talk about introverts and extroverts, because you and I are one of each. If you're in a family of real introverts, and you are an extreme extrovert, your needs you have to really check yourself. Because if you're like wanting to engage everyone in at the dinner table with lots of chatter about the day, what happened, what's going to go on to my I was feeling this way and I was thinking about that and Can you believe this weather and you're surrounded by people who need the space and the quiet to recharge, you are automatically going to make decisions for the group before yourself. Maybe not automatically, but certain You certainly usually that will.

JJ Parker  10:03  
Yeah. So So you're saying like, the extrovert in that scenario is gonna tone it down? Yeah. Because like, kinda like the energy and yeah, you're probably getting those glances like, Oh my goodness, you're gonna want to she gonna be quiet? Yeah. No one's participating. Yeah, definitely feeling the pressure.

Melissa Albers  10:26  
So if you go to, let's just say that same scenario, you go on into your life, you get a job. It is a job that you are passionate about. And a lot of your coworkers have the exact same way. They're very introverted. Okay. And you're in a team meeting.

JJ Parker  10:44  
This sounds like a personal experience to

Unknown Speaker  10:49  
go on. Oh, is it that obvious?

Melissa Albers  10:53  
But if you're in a meeting with people that are very quiet, and the leader of the meeting is trying to engage people's dialogue, they're trying To pull people's conversations or pull people's opinions out into the team huddle, or whatever it is, an introvert is much more likely to say I can't do it. an extrovert is much more likely to say, Oh, I can start. I can start. But I start every time I don't want them to think I'm trying to dominate. I don't want to control this conversation. I have so much to say, but I'm going to work really hard to not say it. And you're already moving into that act yourself. So it's not a judgement. This is not a conversation about judging. This is not a conversation about authentic is right actor is wrong. There's no space for that at all. It's simply being an awareness of when you go from your authentic centered space, who you are when you're feeling calm, happy to when you get kicked off, like something triggers you and pushes you into being something that you really aren't, because you're just trying your best to make everybody else feel good.

JJ Parker  12:01  
And we do that lots of times throughout the whole day, in and out in and out in and out. Right. And, and observing when we're moving between those states is the key here. Yeah. And that's it. Right? That's it, just observe it. Exactly. And and not be too harsh on like, Oh, I shouldn't be right. Yes, everyone is right. Everyone will be in that state.

Melissa Albers  12:28  
Right. I can give a great example yesterday, I was in my actor self and I realized it and I'm, I made a mental note that we're going to be taping today. I hope I can remember this story. Because in my coaching career, I am very authentic. I have a very transparent way of coaching with people and I want to be that way because I want people to be able to trust the process and be in partnership with me in a way that really is helpful. When I am talking with someone that calls me about my question. Matching services. And this is what happened and it was a huge project. And I immediately heard myself turning on the sales charm. Okay, I so I was falsely. And I mean, I was I was well intended. So again, it's not a judgement. It's just I noticed, like, I was falsely going, Oh, and this is this can really help. And I was selling. Yeah, I was selling. And I didn't need to. Because I felt that that's what this person really needed to hear. And all boy would be really a shame if they didn't go with my service. And then I realized, there it is. So no matter how aware, I work to be,

JJ Parker  13:43  
right, you're always getting in and out, in and out. Right? Yep. Yeah, that is super interesting. So when you were talking about you know, there's a couple things I thought was interesting when you're talking about the work scenario. Yeah. Um, I kind of think about Being an actress myself, sometimes in the context of imposter syndrome, like I don't really feel like, you know, I maybe I, I fit in here or should be in this position. You know, we've talked about that before, even with my own experience and like my CEO, peer group, when I first was when I went to my very first meeting, I, you know, walked in and we had to do this exercise where we, like explained our background, I

Melissa Albers  14:33  
remember that all right, yeah.

JJ Parker  14:35  
And it's like, you know, your background, you where you you know, what education you have, what jobs you had, what motivates you and all of this stuff and, you know, here's this like, really successful group and I'm like, art school drop out sound like, Oh, god, this is like, why? How am I this? I don't have that. The pedigree here. Yeah, right. Yeah. And it was just so. Yeah. But in you know, so. So I felt really off balance,

Melissa Albers  15:11  
right? for quite a while, right. If you take that exact scenario like what, let's come back to imposter syndrome. I want to talk about that too. But just even in the context of that example, how many people can relate to coming into a new environment, maybe it's a new job, maybe it's a new group of people or whatever. And you are asked to describe yourself or Introduce yourself or you certainly are doing a mental checklist, comparing yourself to those people. It's what we do. Yeah, it's what we do. And then depending on your personality, and how aware you are some people will jump right into falsely being a certain way, because they're so sure that who they really are isn't good enough. And isn't that interesting? Yeah.

JJ Parker  15:59  
Yeah. So That's, that's interesting. Lots of people can probably relate to that. The other thing that I really keyed on when you're talking about that actor self, and it's a little bit of a corollary to to imposter syndrome, but this over identification with like, your profession or your hobby, yes, your family, yes. Right, this idea that like, you know, I've had friends, you know, like they are their job, yes. And when something bad happens at their job, that directs them to the core in a very destructive way, and it's really hard to watch and, you know, part of, you know, part of what makes me feel like I have imposter syndrome. Also, on the flip side is like about the best training I could have ever had in art school because like, I am not my art, right. Like, the one huge lesson I learned was I am not my art. You Yeah, like, yeah, that is a prime produce art. Sometimes it resonates. Sometimes it flops. It's it, but it's not. Yeah. So tied to who I am. But you see people tie right? their profession or their art or whatever it might be. Right. So intrinsically

Melissa Albers  17:16  
Yes, yes. And it's really hard to watch when you see a really wonderful person pounding on themselves. And you know that they are really harshly judging again, you know, in this conversation, this is, again, observation, it's not judgment. And if there's any takeaway at all, it would be so wonderful if people could look at this roadmap, hear our voices, hear us talking and say, being an actor self is something that I do. And sometimes it's great for me. And sometimes it's really not it's very painful for me, but understanding how you feel when you're in each camp. Yeah, without judgment. Because if you can, if you can drop the Judgment, you can have observation instead. And there's a space. When you have judgment, there's no space. It's right or wrong. My job failed. I failed. Yeah. If you observe, my job failed, that's too bad. I got a lot of really good stuff out of it. And the next time I go do something, what am I going to take with me? Yeah, just that space gives us so much availability to new ways of being.

JJ Parker  18:25  
Yeah. When we were talking in the feelings lesson. And we were talking about that space. Right? Yeah. Like, in and even in the context of triggers, right. Like if you can get some space between the trigger and the observation of that feeling, and yeah, the rationalization of it. It's really helpful. And same here. Yes, is if you can get some space between that judgment that you can think about it before your act, right? It's really helpful,

Melissa Albers  18:56  
which is such a good segue into talking about the roadmap So in looking at the roadmap, there's really three primary components on each side of the roadmap. So the authentic self home directly underneath it is a segment that says my feelings. These are simply snapshots in time, you will have these feelings on and off throughout the day, both sides. In your authentic self, though, the feelings that you can usually hear people describe themselves in his having more, they're very energized by what they're doing. They're super content. You know, like, I am just, I'm feeling good. Like in the end, the term that I use frequently here is you're in harmony. And what I mean by that is everything that you think everything that you say, and everything that you do is in full alignment. Yeah.

JJ Parker  19:48  
Like, you know what, I feel that everything just feels easy.

Melissa Albers  19:53  
Easy. Yes, that's common words. Mm hmm. Exactly. And then something will trigger us Someone something a situation or what have you will trigger us. And something moves us into that act yourself and it is just a nanosecond, and we are in the act yourself. And so if you're trying to decide, well, how am I, when I'm in each one, you're really noticing your feelings is the first way to notice in the act yourself. Your feelings are really different than the authentic self. This is not what's happening on the outside what you're showing for feelings or emotions. This is what's happening deep inside that you aren't letting anybody know about. So these feelings would be more like you feel defensive, or you feel very anxious. So whenever you see people that are dealing with a high degree of anxiety, usually it can be amped up or you can really quickly identify it in this actor self conversation. A lot of times to the feelings for actor self is I don't like on feeling. I don't like these feelings. I don't want these feelings. I'm just gonna To pretend that they don't exist. So that's a very, very common thing. And really at the core just feeling really unsatisfied. Just unsatisfied, like, I'm just not, I just don't feel happy. Yeah, I just feel happy.

JJ Parker  21:12  
So, in your experience, you see people in that state. Yeah, quite a bit. I'm wondering if it's, if there's like, you know, you can't see the forest through the trees problem where people are just perpetually. Yeah, that's it. Like they can't even Yeah, tell them there might be another way of being

Melissa Albers  21:34  
that's so true. And I was listening to podcast on my way over to the studio today. And I, I heard this phrase that I thought was so great. And I tried to, I probably won't remember it word for word, but it was something around, we are much more able to observe other people than we are to observe ourselves.

JJ Parker  21:54  
Yeah. So just like you're saying, with someone who might be really anxious. Yeah, it's really easy for us to see that like, yeah, oh, she's really stressed out today, you know, whatever. But seeing that in yourself is really difficult, especially

Melissa Albers  22:08  
if you've been at that state for a really long time. Yeah, we learn to operate at a state of unwellness we learn to operate at a state of being deeply unsatisfied, and just try to push our own feelings away, which is really why that feelings lesson if you have not yet watched that, I would really encourage you to because we dive into that conversation much more at during that session. But yeah, so that's interesting in the feelings is a really, really good marker for us to be able to tell, are we in our authentic self? Are we in our hand yourself?

JJ Parker  22:41  
I imagine it would. You know, it takes some time, right? It takes some time. You know, again, like you said, not in a judgement way but just in like a notice quiet observation way. Yeah. How am I feeling? Yes. Am I anxious? unsteady? Yeah. Is everything hard and then Trying to get through like, oh, what could make me feel better? Right? How do I get back?

Melissa Albers  23:07  
Yeah, right. Exactly. And that is the big question people always ask right at this juncture is, well, how do I just how do I just get back? Like, how do I just get back? I just want to feel good. Yeah. And the answer is, is it really does take a little bit of awareness, but it isn't hard. It isn't hard. Stick with the process. Sometimes,

JJ Parker  23:27  
it's not like a pill I can take Sorry, no certain website I can show.

Melissa Albers  23:35  
But I will say that sometimes if the feelings part is really challenging for someone that's listening, and it's just like I yes, I am in a perpetual state of my not feeling good, I think but I'm not really sure how to know for sure. Like, I've been like this so long. What most people say at the beginning of this conversation is I have felt like that for so long. I don't even know what it feels like to not So that gives us an indication of how prevalent This is. Yeah, for people, it's very, very common, very normal, if it's not the norm. Yeah. If that part's a little intimidating, it is also easier to kind of observe your actions like, and which is the next segment on the roadmap, the personal focus. So in the personal focus, when you're in your authentic self, this is best stated by one of my clients a couple of months ago, she said, You know what, after working on this, I like the feeling so much, I feel so good. I don't want to make any decisions that don't feel good, and disrupt this. And where she had come from to making that kind of statement, I actually thought I was going to cry. Because it was so powerful for her to say, I am learning how to feel good no matter what all the time, to the point where I'm not willing to sacrifice that anymore. That's amazing. It was amazing. So this person Focus can really help you also recognize authentic actor, where am I? And when is that happening? And so if you look at that on the roadmap, the personal focus within the authentic self state is really, you simply have a need and a desire that's so overwhelming to stay in that centered place and to stay home. It feels so good, just like I was describing in my client, and being calm and content and focusing on being Okay, that sounds Goofy, and that sounds very hippie dippie.

Self helpy thing. Exactly. But how many times are you able to sit in your house and not do anything and just enjoy the art of being

JJ Parker  25:47  
not even clean?

Melissa Albers  25:50  
I'm not quite there yet. I'll work on that with you. But right we're so used to wanting to constantly Oh, something doesn't feel good. Just go clean the garage. Just Go wash the car, just go. Do your anything.

JJ Parker  26:04  
Get on my phone, watch TV like, Yeah, one of the, to me one of the main ways we self soothe in that way. Yeah is entertaining ourselves.

Melissa Albers  26:13  
Yes, that's so good self soothe,

JJ Parker  26:15  
like we'll entertain ourselves to death in that way to avoid dealing with negative feelings.

Melissa Albers  26:22  
Yes, yes. So your personal focus is a really quick indicator for you. If you're having a hard time with the feelings, one, the personal focus can really help. Just to give you the contrast of that the act yourself, the personal focus, you're spending a lot of your energy protecting or defending yourself. You'll see this in conversations. It can be with your spouse, your partner, your kids, your co workers. Having just a deeper conversation, creating a place where you feel defensive or protective, is usually an indicator that you're in your act yourself some. So in other words, something inside of you is not lining up with what's happening on the outside, and you feel the need to cover it up somehow, or to try to make yourself okay with it, even if you can't figure out what it is. Okay, so that's a really good simple way, wanting to look good. If you're overly focused on your ego, egos not a bad thing. But if you're overly focused on it, where it's so important to you to look good on the outside, like, I want to have the coolest car I need to have like, I need to have the you know, the best hair, the best makeup, I need to have the best job I need to be the best in my job. I need everybody to look at me or be a certain way. If you're spending a lot of energy cycles with that kind of focus. There is something there for you to explore. And then the and then the constant. This is a huge one to help you understand when you're into that act yourself is the constant need to self evaluate And I've given examples like in podcasts when you and I have talked about the constant need to self evaluate. Did I do okay with that? Should I have done better? It's an I use the why I almost want to use the word narcissist at this time, because it's a narcissistic habit that we are not intending to be that way. But that's what's happening.

JJ Parker  28:17  
Yeah. second guessing. Yeah. Going through things or going through things over and over. Yes. Trying to fantasize or predict about the future problems. Yeah. says yeah,

Melissa Albers  28:30  
fantasizing is a great word. Because we all do that. Like we create very robust stories in our minds. About simple mundane. Yeah, we do all the time.

JJ Parker  28:41  
Yeah. usually don't have a lot of basis. Actually.

Melissa Albers  28:46  
Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And then you had you talked about this too, but the opposite of that being is doing and you gave a great example of that. If you find that you're absolutely you can't be okay with being quiet even for five minutes. Because it feels very scary, or you're just in a black hole and you reach for your phone or you do something else like that, that that's also a really good indicator for you that you may be struggling and not really feeling centered and at home for some reason. Yeah. So that's a great one.

JJ Parker  29:16  
Yeah, I one of the do. One of the things I remember being strangely scary, was meditating for the first time. Oh, interesting, right? Like, yeah, remember? I mean, yeah, I've talked about meditate, we both meditated before, but this initial idea that, like, I'm gonna sit there for the next 30 minutes,

Melissa Albers  29:45  
I was told, I couldn't have done it for 30 somethings like me. I'm

JJ Parker  29:49  
like, What? Like, how can that be even possible? Right? And but isn't that funny? Yes. It's actually like really,

Melissa Albers  29:58  
it is.

JJ Parker  30:00  
Maybe insightful in the way we're kind of like, you know, in our especially in our in our society tuned that you know know all of this stuff has to be happening then you know and yeah it is almost like it's a it's a false hood that that to be happy you have to be doing something entertained yes you know but really like you can be really happy very being very still yeah be in this more present state

Melissa Albers  30:32  
I'd say the first two months that I meditated This is the conversation went a little like this I can do this. I'm just gonna shut my eyes I can be with myself. Am I doing it? I'm not really sure I'm doing it. Okay, well just that you're interrupting yourself stop doing that. Why do you always do that you all you can never just and and that's

JJ Parker  30:50  
like 1000 miles an hour.

Melissa Albers  30:51  
That's exactly what it is. I was very busy trying to do while I was being can't do that.

JJ Parker  30:58  
But it is. I just want You know, to say that sometimes when we're doing this work, yes, it is a little scary. Yes. In Yes. in unexpected ways, like, like, in very subtle ways, right? So and that's okay. It's okay. It, it's gonna maybe be scary and forever It's gonna be different for everybody, right? And just accept that like, right. You know what, it's okay. It's okay worth doing and just kind of lean into it and

Melissa Albers  31:27  
right, you know, right, right. We have a podcast on that actually.

JJ Parker  31:31  
The canoe of fear No, not

Melissa Albers  31:32  
that. Oh, that one's a good one too. But oh, I was thinking there's another one. Stay tuned. All right. Finally, if you're looking at the roadmap, another really simple way for you to compare and contrast the difference between authentic self and act yourself is how your environment feels around you. We are very responsible for the energy that we kick out into the environment. And we get back what we put out. And that is something that I could spend another whole hour talking about. We'll get into that in another lesson. But that is a really important indicator for the authentic versus the actor self and just noticing those two things

JJ Parker  32:17  
for. For me, I had a, you know, not a real awesome business partnership A while ago. Yeah. And the one thing I remember that was like, so impactful to me as I remember when I would go to the office, like just being in there was just completely changed my mood, my attitudes, my feelings, you know everything about him. And I actually described it as I was leaving The best part of me at the door when I walked in there, wow. And it was like, as soon as I realized that I was like, Well, I have to change this, like this is not that's a really big example like I can't leave my best most creative self at the door and pretend to totally this company that's ridiculous right? Now, you know. So from that, obviously, some big things happen in my life, but,

Melissa Albers  33:28  
but you are noticing the energy you are noticing the environment environment

JJ Parker  33:31  
and then and then I would go even further to say, once I got past that point, we we had to move we moved I moved I remember that. I did because for me, that environment was so triggered and layered. I mean, for me, and that was that's about me, right? That's about the way I am dealing with all of that, but

Melissa Albers  34:00  
But that is that's how

JJ Parker  34:02  
to move out of that environment because I couldn't be authentic there, huh? Wow. At that,

Melissa Albers  34:10  
yeah period of time. That's a huge. That's a huge example. And that's also a very personal one. So I really appreciate you telling that story because that happens to us and it could be on a small scale or a large scale, but I'm telling you, it is overwhelming regardless.

JJ Parker  34:27  
Yeah, sometimes also, I oh seven in the grocery store of the taco while I can't go there either.

Melissa Albers  34:38  
So the environmental field so let's talk about the authentic self environmental fields, which will be that'll be easier for everybody to like, immediately, like want to have but in an environment where you are kicking off good energy, and you are creating the environment that you want, and you are in an environment that supports that because it's a like a light environment I was gonna say like minded but it's like energy really, that environment feels very supportive, like you can be, you know, you can create as you the environment is more flexible. If you make a mistake, you make a mistake. That is, that's just part and parcel of being a human being and always wanting to get better. You feel like the environment is really stable. So you have confidence in the environment, you have confidence that says, This is here for me, and I'm here for it. And it's okay. If I, if I wander around a little bit if I make a mistake, or if I want to get better.

JJ Parker  35:37  
Like and to contrast my previous story, when you and I in our startup. That's exactly the kind of environment we created.

Unknown Speaker  35:49  
Yeah, right. Yeah, it

JJ Parker  35:50  
was very supportive. It was very okay to make mistakes. And even though it was, like really an unstable contestants, Start up. It felt really stable.

Melissa Albers  36:02  
Yes, we created nothing about

JJ Parker  36:04  
it felt unstable even though it was a new venture that was likely to fail. Yes. And did Yes. But yeah, the energy there that we created for us and, and our team is truly amazing.

Melissa Albers  36:18  
It was truly amazing. And and, and to your point I will say there's 10% of startups that actually work. That's the I mean, that's true. It's 10% of startups actually work. And we knew that going in, we knew that there was a 90 90% chance that it wasn't gonna do anything, you're gonna do it anyway, we are gonna do it anyway. And we created a really cool environment, like we allowed people to be who they were, and we selected people who were really good at what they did. And they joined us because of the energy of the environment. That was why they joined us.

JJ Parker  36:52  
And I would say, like, you know, we don't want to get to your business car. Yeah, but my experience is That, you know, people work for environments like that. That's right. Right. Yeah. You know and and if if you've got employees and if you and you're trying to hire and you've got a toxic ish Yeah, environment people keep looking. tell right away.

Melissa Albers  37:17  
Yeah, no, it's Yeah, it's not hard. It's it's not. And so then that brings us to the environment fields if you're in an act yourself in a perpetual state of being an enact yourself so I don't mean just on a bad day but I mean, an environment feels for someone who spends a lot of time or unwillingly spending time in the act itself. It feels very competitive. So there's very little movement, it's inflexible, so there's very little movement for error. There's very little movement for trying to better yourself necessarily, or to be authentic because you're really concerned that you will be judged harshly and it's very dramatic, like the environment feels Very dramatic. And like I said, it's easy to observe others much easier than it is to observe ourselves. So if you're curious about the people that you're spending time with, if you're in an environment that feels like it's in a constant state of redo, or people are really watching their backs all the time, that is usually an indicator that there's some stuff there that's not particularly authentic, or it doesn't feel good for you something in there isn't feeling right for you. Yeah. So the environment feels is a really easy, quick snapshot. And a lot of times when I work with my coaching clients, and we start to talk about this journey at the very beginning, that environment feels is actually the very fastest way that they can connect to this whole topic of being authentic versus actor. Because like I said, it's so much easier to look around and and check out all of your all of the people you spend time with.

JJ Parker  38:52  
Yeah. So I think that gets us a good view of You know, the, the authentic self and the actress off? Yeah. Now we talked a lot about being in that actor self. Now let's talk about getting back. Like how, you know if if we realize like I Yep, okay, I'm over here. Everything's a little unstable. I'm not feeling real great. Yeah. What is the work to get back?

Melissa Albers  39:20  
Right? i? That's such a good question. And thank you for bringing us back to that because I would have forgotten to say that in this conversation and regretted it later. But I think really, the whole thing is understanding why you go into your act yourself first. And then making choices for yourself about what is it that you really want? How do you want to feel inside? Do you really want to feel good inside? Or do you want to feel like you're kind of selling yourself short sometimes. And most of the time, we don't give ourselves the grace or the love, to allow ourselves to become as expansive as we're capable of being so really, the first First part is to understand what it feels like to feel good inside, what it feels like when you're not feeling so good. And then to understand what are the things that are triggering me into falling into that act yourself when I don't want to okay? All right. So it's really learning your feelings and then understanding what your triggers are. And then kind of evaluating yourself in all of the different parts of your life as we've been talking about, and being able to make conscious choices to just come back to your centered state. Got it, making simple choices, and it sounds very complex, but it really isn't. It's just checking in how am I feeling? I don't really feel good. Like, I did that cell job and I thought, why did they do that? Yeah. And I x I caught myself. Oh, look at that. I'm self evaluating. That person asked me about my services. I simply could have been who I always am. Yeah, it would have been just fine. But I felt the need to jump on the bandwagon of I'm so great. And then I caught myself And then I started to evaluate. And I thought, okay, that's interesting. That's what I did. That was an old habit of mine. I'm okay with that. I don't need to,

JJ Parker  41:09  
really but again,

Melissa Albers  41:11  
yes. Reflecting, refocusing on the things that feel really good. And then remembering how you got where you are going forward with what it is that you want for your future. Yeah.

JJ Parker  41:23  
So what can people do

Melissa Albers  41:25  
next? Yeah. So that so that I would encourage you to go right to the reflections page, and capture your notes immediately. There's going to be a lot of good questions that will help you to identify different parts and pieces of when you go into your act yourself from your authentic self and where you feel you're most comfortable and give you some point of reference to go forward. Thank you so much for being with us today.

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