Can Your Feelings be Trusted?

Often our emotional reactions to things can be a bit misleading. Our knee jerk feelings are not necessarily truthful - but rather only a part of our truth within a triggered state. How quickly can you discern your own responses of truth or delusion?

December 28, 2021
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Melissa Albers  0:01  
Hey, everyone. Welcome to the self awareness Journey podcast. I'm Melissa Albers.

JJ Parker  0:06  
And I'm JJ Parker. This podcast is for seekers, seekers of happiness and joy seekers of a centered approach to success in life. Seekers of their true authentic selves.

Melissa Albers  0:17  
Get ready for some real talk on everything from anxiety, emotions and habits to love, compassion and forgiveness. We know you'll be challenged and enlightened by this conversation. We're so glad you're here. Let's dive in. So, JJ, recently, I was with a very good couple friend of ours for a long weekend. And the male in the couple is bipolar. Hmm. And he is just one of my best friends. He's so good about being able to talk about what that disease or I don't know if it's a disease or illness or what are called

JJ Parker  0:57  
How, how long? I mean, how long has he known, he's been bipolar? Oh,

Melissa Albers  1:03  
he was a Yeah, since he was a kid.

JJ Parker  1:05  
Like, this is just like, he just knows that he, he is bipolar and thing, he lives with his whole life,

Melissa Albers  1:10  
correct. And he's medicated. And he has spent his whole life really managing that and some times of his life with better success than others. And, you know, just a cocktail of medications to try to keep him in a place that he can be functioning and centered. And he's just one of the best people I know, he really is just one of the most loving people and willing to take his own inventory. And so we get into a lot of conversations about self awareness and feelings. And, you know, in families and our families have grown up together. Basically, my kids have probably played with him more than he's the second adult outside of our family unit. That has been the

JJ Parker  1:55  
Oh, yeah, like he's he's the adult that instantly hops in with Absolutely.

Melissa Albers  1:59  
Doc tag night tag night games, and hours and hours and hours and hours. Yeah. And, and I was having this conversation about the self awareness journey with him. And he said something to me, that kind of set me back a bit. And I'll tell you what, he said in just a minute. But then what was odd is that this week, you said something along the same lines, and I was like, whoa, wait a minute, this is really interesting. So I was just saying to him, as he was talking about one of the issues that he was sort of processing in his life, I said, you know, you have to trust your feelings, because your feelings are never wrong. And he said, I will tell you, that is not true for me. Hmm. And I said, What do you mean? And he said, I have learned that I cannot trust my first feeling most of the time, because if I did, I would go right down a rabbit hole, that would not be helpful. It would make me lose my temper, it would make me say bad things to people, it would make me not be my best self. And so I have to be very careful about what feelings I respond to, and which ones I don't. And I was fascinated by that. And for a minute, it's set me back like, wow, well, so how, how is that? You know, how can that be like? So anyway? Yeah, I thought that was a really interesting thing. He said, I can't. When I said you can trust all of your feelings. He said, Yeah.

JJ Parker  3:28  
So earlier this week, I were talking about potential podcast ideas. Yeah. I said, Hey, what about? What about the idea that, like, you can't trust your feelings or that your feelings are lying to you? Yes. That's your like, Whoa, no, we can't say your feelings are lying to you. Because the whole software and his journey. Yeah, is about, about preaching about how we should trust our feelings.

Unknown Speaker  3:54  
Preaching is. Yeah, but no,

JJ Parker  4:03  
you are. You're pushing back. You said, No, God, we can't talk about how our feelings are, are lying to us. Like, like, that's against? Yeah, what we're trying to do. And I and I was saying, I don't think so. I think it is in alignment, what we're trying to do, because yeah, I do think that a lot of the times are, maybe maybe I was being a little dramatic or overstating it. Right. But I do think a lot of times that our feelings, especially our initial feelings about something, yeah. Are are maybe a better term would be misleading. Yeah. Well, we're misinterpreting them. Yeah, initially. So we think about it a little bit.

Melissa Albers  4:49  
Well, that so I have been thinking about this as well, since the conversation with my friend and now this and here's what I think is there's a huge differentiator When we have a instant flash of a what we might say is feeling I'm going to change the word to reaction. I think a reaction, an emotional reaction is not always the same thing as our true feeling about something. I think and I think our initial knee jerk feelings are actually not always truth because they're just responses, their emotional responses to a crisis or to a moment or to something that okay, it's like a flash.

JJ Parker  5:38  
Yeah. Okay. So let let me walk you down a scenario. Okay, we're gonna, we're gonna pick apart this scenario, to get to the essence of what you're talking about.

Unknown Speaker  5:49  
Okay, cool.

JJ Parker  5:50  
Okay. Let's see. I didn't really prepare a perfect scenario. So I'm going to wing it here to bear with me. Like, I'm, I'm a busy guy, right? Yes, I know. I've got different companies. I'm running. I'm always in stuff. I'm really I'm really pretty busy. Okay. And I'd say that I also make the bulk of the money for our family. Right? Yes. And, you know, we have kids are still chaotic at home. But sometimes the dishes, a lot of the times the dishes aren't, like are just piled up everywhere in our kitchen. Mm hmm. Right. Yep. And I've been working like my butt off all day since like, 6am. And now it's 6pm. There's like, no dinner plan. There's a billion dishes on everywhere. And now I have to figure it out. Right. Yeah. And so, like, I'm a little, like, Peeves at that. So I'm like, well, like Where's where's Amber's? Why did she not take care of these dishes all day? Like, what is she doing? She's probably not even doing anything. As a part time job. Like, why is this not white? Why did they why are the kids not have taken care of some of us? Why don't we have a dinner plan? Why am I the only one that's working so hard around here? Like, why is everyone in my family like, like lazy and against me and I have to do literally everything here. This is so frustrating. Everyone else is like, irritating to me. And now, like, and now I think my wife's lazy. Now the kids are horrible. And I've just turned the dishes aren't done scenario. Yeah. Into I'm awesome. Everyone else's, like, lazy. That's my feeling.

Unknown Speaker  7:50  
Yeah. Okay. So

JJ Parker  7:54  
but is that true? Like that? Well, well, that feeling is real for me that the the analysis of what's actually happening in my house is not true. My wife is not lazy, right? The kids are not horrible. Like, none of that is actually true. I just completely manufactured it. Based on the My, like you said reaction to this scenario. So that's where I was saying like, like, Can my own feelings be trusted? Because I was vilifying everyone in my family very quickly. Based on how I was feeling, yeah. Melissa and I are huge self awareness nerds. We've been working on this stuff for a really long time. And we love talking about it and sharing it with all of you. We've actually brought all of the stuff we've made into an online course. And we think it's really great. The course starts by learning about yourself, and how your mind body connection works. It dives into your thoughts and feelings. And then helps you learn how to become your true authentic self. Start your journey today. Head to the self awareness journey calm to learn more and sign up

Melissa Albers  9:13  
to do you want me to tell you what I think? Yep. Nope, don't do it. Don't do it, Melissa. Change this subject. Okay, so in that scenario, that's such a perfect example because I think we all have that. But that example is also based on some truth. Sometimes you

JJ Parker  9:36  
don't watch it. You're gonna get me in trouble with my wife.

Unknown Speaker  9:38  
I know, Apple. I know. I'm gonna get a text.

Unknown Speaker  9:42  
She has a podcast anyway.

Melissa Albers  9:45  
She's like our best listeners. He's our best skin Mitch are our two greatest bestest fans ever. No, but what I was gonna say is, so your idea of how the kitchen should be kept. That's your idea always has been right You've always been like that. So that is actually just a core belief that you have. That's a core belief that you have like, there shouldn't be kick dishes in the kitchen. It's a silly, it's not silly, but it's a small, I'll use the word small. Instead, it's a small example of something that has got meaning for you. Right? So then you get triggered. So like, remember how we talked in a podcast once a long time ago, that word halt? To check to do your own inventory? Hungry? Angry, Lonely, tired? Yeah. When we have one of those emotions, then we go topsy turvy with our responses to things, right. So like, if you just look at that scenario, you were tired, and you were hungry. And you started to feel angry. So you're in full trigger mode. And so the reaction that you had was not your true feelings about your children and your wife? Yeah, it was an in the moment reaction. And we do that all the time. I mean, that's just common. human responses.

JJ Parker  11:03  
So, yeah, okay. That's, that's a good analysis. Yeah. Well, that does it like,

Melissa Albers  11:11  
like, but it doesn't feel like it's very satisfying.

JJ Parker  11:15  
No, it doesn't like it. I still, like I still don't want to, I don't want to. I mean, part of the self awareness journey is like you're saying, like, let's try to recognize when we're getting into those states, right. Yeah. And that's a great pursuit. Right. And we're doing it all, but we're doing it all the time. And right. And we're getting ourselves into these, like, states where we're not actually seeing the people around us clearly.

Melissa Albers  11:45  
Right. Right. Right. Because we're triggered we're in a high because we're triggered. Yeah, yeah.

JJ Parker  11:50  
Yeah. And like, doing that over and over. Yeah. Right. Yeah. And and not seeing people in the right way. Being in these trigger states. The just think about how much that can compound and then just like,

Melissa Albers  12:10  
oh, yeah, it fractures relationships. Yeah, it does. It fractures people. Because here's the thing, we all have high degrees of emotions about things like such stupid things. Like this morning, I went downstairs and we have a big double door refrigerator, you know, and on the sides of the fridge are the little slots that are big enough slots to hold like, milk jugs and coffee jugs. And, and I have this is so stupid, but it's so true. I have one side that I favor, right. And on that side, I have my almond milk. And then I have my cold pressed coffee, right there. And I went down there this morning, and my cold pressed coffee was gone. And in its place was a big jug of water. Oh. And I was like, terrible. And we have a Culligan water system, right? So we don't actually need to have jugs of cold water. Because we have cold water in a jug with a dispenser anytime we want

JJ Parker  13:13  
all psychopaths do you live with?

Melissa Albers  13:18  
And I was like, What the hell is this? Why is this water here? It's just like, really. But you know what it was is I was I had an idea of how something should be. Yeah, I had an idea. And then I was in a hurry. And I had 10 things on my mind. And then I flew the door open, flung the door open. And this wasn't what I was expecting. And it just kind of threw me off for a minute. It just threw me off for a minute. And, you know, the communication piece is really key. Because had I pitched a little fit like I did. If Mitch wanted to auger in he could have been like, What is your problem?

JJ Parker  14:04  
Right? Yeah. Why are you so particular you're so controlled? Why are you trying to roll in? Like, why do you really now you have to know now you're telling me where I can put my water in the refrigerator?

Melissa Albers  14:19  
No, no, it's so silly. It but it's absolutely true. You know, it's just we get in our little spaces our headspace is that's what it is. Is that headspace, right? And we all have certain ideas about things. And then it's just really hard to come out of those ideas. Because you don't even know that you have them. Yeah, they're just there. Yeah, they're just there. And then something triggers you like you're tired or whatever, like that home. You're in a stage your family is in a stage and I just bring it up because I think there's a lot of listeners in the same stage that your kids are in Junior High in high school. And you guys both work, and people have schedules and stuff and kids stuff. And friends, and it is a very overwhelming time of life. And we're in the holiday season, you know, there's so many. And then in your business, you have so many things going right now, right? It's like, yeah, there's so many competing priorities. And it's, and I think we get worn down by that. And then the simplest little thing like that you catch your stamps, and then you have a really strong reaction to

JJ Parker  15:27  
Yeah, I just had this vision of like, like, I was gonna say, like, yeah, like, I put up our Christmas tree. Uh huh. Right. And then what I did, instead of putting ornaments on it, I hung expectations all over.

Melissa Albers  15:43  
And you know what, I got the visual. I got the visual of vlogging in your kitchen. And all the plates see the way you described it? I was picturing the Dr. Seuss style where it's definitely that all the way to the ceiling where they get more and more narrow, and they're just real wonky?

JJ Parker  15:58  
Yeah, no, I think I think the kids take some sort of small pride in in the way they balance dishes on top of each other. It's, it's it is like, if you step back, it's kind of remarkable.

Melissa Albers  16:15  
Oh, well, we're having a little fun with this. But I do think honestly, like, when we come back to the, to the focus of our conversation, it's like, are our feelings trusted? Can we trust our feelings? And what is the true difference between a feeling and a reaction or a response?

JJ Parker  16:33  
Well, those things get mixed up a lot. Yeah, right. Yeah. Cuz. And what I wanted to do is talk about like, just zoom it out a little bit. We're talking about very like tactical, yeah, yeah. Very, like every day sort of simple. Yeah, things. But on a bigger level, I was actually even thinking about Kenner, can we trust our feelings? I'm, like, you know, I've just I've tried to articulate this in the right way. I'm like, struggling a little bit. It's like, like, the dishes and the everyday triggers are one thing. Yeah. But when you zoom out to like, really, like, bigger topics, like, even like, your feeling of your basic needs being met, like, like, do you feel like you have enough, right? Do you feel like you're safe at home? Do you feel like you're safe at work? Do you feel like you have enough food? Do you feel like you have enough resources? Some like, more? Basic human? Yeah, instinct in need stuff? Yeah. Um, those feelings? Like I feeling like, I don't know, I just always don't feel like I don't have enough. Hmm. Could that feeling also be a bit of a delusion? Like a little bit of a lie? Right. Yeah. You know, and I like living in that state for years and years. What does that doing to you? And is that, you know, if, if that is an untrue feeling, but you've been acting on it for the past, your whole life? Maybe right? What's that doing? Is that? Is that what you want to build for yourself?

Melissa Albers  18:27  
Yeah. Yeah, that's such a good that's such a good question. The first thing that comes up for me as I listened to the law of attraction a lot, Abraham Hicks it's, it's something that I've gotten a great amount of joy out of listening to, in their perspective on this exact topic is one that's really appropriate for, for right, in this moment, they talk about how, when we have a feeling about something, to check and see if the feeling feels good or not. In terms of what you do for your future action in this moment, the decisions that you're making, like when you make those decisions is the feeling right, if the feeling doesn't feel good. The question is, is is your mind involved too much? Is your mind trying to control a scenario or give you a narrative? Because it likes to your mind likes to be in control? You know, our brain tries to tell us everything and tells us who we are what we are, you know, who's we are all of these things, our brain tries to inform us, but our true feelings, those deep feelings to me, and I'm maybe not articulating this well in terms of the exact way you ask the question, but when a feeling is inside, and it doesn't necessarily feel good when we have a reaction to something that isn't favorable. It's usually because Our inner being or our deep feeling knows the truth knows what's what. But it's not matching. What's what we're either experiencing or how we're participating. Outwardly?

Unknown Speaker  20:12  
Yep. Okay. I think I got it back to the dishes. Yeah.

JJ Parker  20:18  
Here's the thing is, like, when I saw the dishes, I, I probably knew that I should just do the dishes. Right, the right thing to do would be to just do the

Melissa Albers  20:33  
dishes, because you would feel good having them done. Because

JJ Parker  20:37  
I would feel good having them done. Yes. Like doing that's for me. Yeah. Right. But then my brain got involved. And started, I'd say almost manufacturing. Emotion for me. Yeah, right. Yep. Yep. So word, man. It's, it's interesting. Because like, we talked about, like, like, trust your feelings, right? And what you're saying is like, no, that's like, it's D is deep. You really got to like, get in there. And at the core, it's very, it's simple, right? So simple. Then what's our brain starts going? Yeah, starts like, oh, no, I'm feeling angry. I'm feeling like, I want to like act out. I want to blame other people. I want to do all of this stuff. So starts manufacturing. Yeah. These emotions, right?

Melissa Albers  21:23  
Yep. Um, that's, that's exactly right. Right. How you were able to pull out what I was trying to say, out of that mess of a bunch of words. I just said, well done.

JJ Parker  21:32  
So it's like, it's almost like, as soon as we like, once we go against, like, our that first core feeling once we go opposite of it. Right, then our brains manufacture. Yep. Exactly why we should have done that. Yeah. And yeah, usually just build other people. Yes, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Yep. When really all I wanted to do was have a clean kitchen, and I should have just cleaned the kitchen myself. And it was no big deal anyway.

Melissa Albers  22:06  
Yeah. You know, and then just with the law of attraction, how they would finish this part of the conversation is they would say, you can tell when you're getting off because it becomes more and more specific. And you were doing that in your descriptions? Absolutely, perfectly in alignment with that. So you, you were you came in, you had a feeling? Yeah. And then the feeling went off sideways, and then became more and more specific, my wife is this, my children are this, I always do this. And it became more and more specific. And so what Abraham Hicks offers is to go more general. So when you have an instant feeling like that is to your because you're not going to feel good. There's nothing that you're going to do in that moment, that's going to make you feel like a rock star, because you're just not a good spot. So what you can do, though, is work for getting yourself to feeling neutral, like not as triggered. Right. Bringing it back to something more general bringing it back to it's not always like this. Is it always like that? No, it's not always Yeah, that. Yeah. Is every dish in the house on the counter? No, it's not. Right. I mean, so like, kind of like go general like it. The Dr. Seuss dishes pile up.

JJ Parker  23:19  
All right. Well, this is a fun conversation. I think this is like, again, one of those one of those times where I feel like people can, like our listeners can really like think about about times in their day to day life. Where where their thoughts get into this, like derailed state. Yeah. And it happens. Yeah. Yeah. All all the time. It happens at work, right? Yeah. Like over and over. It's like, Yeah, well, you know, Melissa was supposed to have the report. And then she didn't get the report done on time and then did the you know, they're just all unravels so quickly.

Melissa Albers  24:02  
Yeah. Right. And then the brain just loves to add on to it and all the other reasons why your, you should feel often feel bad.

JJ Parker  24:12  
So recognizing when we're going down that path, and trying to hop off as soon as possible. Yeah.

Melissa Albers  24:20  
And it's okay to have a little humor about it. I mean, thankfully, you and I both have a good sense of humor and will enter into this stuff. You know, the water jug. Good lord.

JJ Parker  24:30  
Alright, cool. I am gonna go do the dishes. So when I get home tonight, they will be a clean counter and just how I like it, and I'm

Unknown Speaker  24:40  
gonna go reorganize the refrigerator.

JJ Parker  24:44  
Did you enjoy this episode? Please go to your favorite podcast platform to subscribe, rate and leave a review so others can discover it as well.

Melissa Albers  24:53  
Growing self awareness is a lifelong journey and there's always further to go and it's better when we're all in it. together please think of someone you know who could benefit from hearing today's conversation and share this episode with them we can't thank you enough for listening until next time happy exploring seekers

Transcribed by https://otter.ai

Discussed in this episode

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Meet your guides

JJ Parker

JJ Parker is a serial entrepreneur passionate about building creative strategy, efficient operations, and unique marketing perspectives. Parker got his start as a student at The Minneapolis Institute of Art, and soon after launched his first company Tightrope Media Systems (TRMS) with a high school buddy in 1997.

Melissa Albers

Melissa is passionate about developing people’s self-awareness and ability to positively interact with others. She focuses on the importance of building influence, and highlights the most important relationship we have is with self first. Ms. Albers speaks on leadership and self-awareness, and has shared the stage with John Maxwell (Leadership Author and Speaker), Lee Cockerell (Exec VP of Disney) and Les Brown (Motivational Speaker) to name a few.

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