The Five Love Languages

Join JJ and Melissa as they discuss The Five Love Languages. People respond to a variety of experiences and emotions through the lens of how they feel fit into the world. Honoring and supporting each other can be as simple as understanding how another person feels love and appreciation. What's your love language?

August 17, 2021
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Melissa Albers  0:00  
Hey everyone, you are listening to the self awareness Journey podcast. This little banner is about a car ride long and features your hosts JJ Parker. And Melissa Albert's JJ owns a tech company. And Melissa has been in coach working with influencers for the last 18 years.

JJ Parker  0:17  
Okay, Melissa, one of the one of the more impactful books I read is called The Five Love Languages.

Melissa Albers  0:26  
Oh, yeah, I haven't actually read it. i Oh, I've heard of it. And I've, I think I looked at a summary a long time ago. Okay,

JJ Parker  0:33  
so this book, not only helped me in, like my marriage, yeah. But it helps me like, even in other relationships, that I find important. Oh, as, though way they lay this book out. It's so five love languages. It's like, the idea that you feel loved in you feel loved by like, one of five kinda like buckets. Right? ticular ways? Yeah. Right. So if you're not in need of yours isn't getting met? You're not going to feel very long. Right? Like, yeah, my way from? Whatever my love language is. Yeah, yeah. If I'm not getting that from my spouse, or whoever, my parents, my friends, I'm not gonna feel loved. Right? Actually even apply this to our kids. Because

Melissa Albers  1:33  
Oh, actually see, I'm thinking that same thing as you were talking

JJ Parker  1:36  
like, which one of these five things my kids respond to the most. And if they're not getting it, they don't feel like we love them, even though we might be doing tons of stuff cause we, they think are showing them love. But they're not feeling it? Because it's not aligning with their love language. Yeah, makes sense.

Melissa Albers  1:55  
Totally. I was just like, reflecting on this, like when we talk about personality styles. And when I'm coaching on personality styles, I always talk about the communication piece. And a lot of times if we're unaware of someone's communication style, we assume it's the same as ours. Yeah. So I'm a more extrovert, you're more introvert. So if I don't know your style, I'm going to treat you like an extrovert. And it could be a huge disaster. But that's what I feel good about. If someone talks to me with using more words, storytelling, you know, that makes me feel oh, I'm involved in this conversation, I'm adding value. Whereas if I use more words, and lots of storytelling with you thinking that's what you like, but you don't like it? The opposite. Like, yeah, like, so same with this.

JJ Parker  2:41  
Right, exactly. It's the same thing. Right? It's, um, it's like the, you know, everyone's heard of the golden rule. Right. But this is the platinum rule. Right? This is, like, the golden rule is like, do unto others as you would have done to you. Yeah. But really, what we want is the platinum rule was like, do unto others as they want to be done upon. Is that right?

Melissa Albers  3:04  
I don't know. I was like, the platinum idea.

JJ Parker  3:08  
One about gold. I think

Unknown Speaker  3:09  
it is. Right. One more, isn't it? It's like,

JJ Parker  3:14  
like, the best thing I can do for you is treat you like you want to be

Melissa Albers  3:18  
treated right? Precisely. Yeah. It's not how I want to be treated. That makes me feel valued. Yeah. It makes you feel valued. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so, so let's, uh, do you know what they are? I do. Oh, good. Let's

JJ Parker  3:29  
jump into. You didn't read the book. I get to like, yeah, go through that. Okay. So there's five of them. Oh, and actually, before we get too far and talking about someone else's framework. Yeah. So this book is called The Five Love Languages is by Gary Chapman. Right. It's a quick it's a quick read. It's, it's really fun. Yeah. So let's dive into them. Cool. So the first one words of affirmation. Yes, right. Yeah. So some people will feel like really like, words of affirmation. They like being told like, Hey, you're doing awesome. I really like this about ride, share, share a gene for our main language.

Melissa Albers  4:15  
Okay. That's really interesting. And that's really interesting. Because if you're not someone who likes that language of love, love language. You could feel like that isn't authentic. Yeah. I that's super interesting, right?

JJ Parker  4:32  
I really struggle with that one. As a one like, I don't like that, huh? Yeah. Right. Like I actually like, like, I don't I don't I don't like words of affirmation.

Melissa Albers  4:42  
I know,

JJ Parker  4:43  
I know. We've never told me I'm doing a good job because I'll just run away.

Melissa Albers  4:49  
I remember you said once. Sorry, Mrs. Parker. I know she's listening. I remember you saying once. My parents always just say they're such nice things.

JJ Parker  4:59  
Oh, so affirming me.

Melissa Albers  5:03  
Oh, that sounds awful. I was sad for you. So what you're saying is that is not your my love language. Okay, words of affirmation. Hmm. Yeah, that's interesting. What

JJ Parker  5:16  
do you think of that? Like? I mean, do you see people seeking that?

Melissa Albers  5:20  
Yeah, yes, I sure do. And, and I and also actually, what I was thinking of is the number of people that I know that don't. That's what I was actually thinking about. It's like, wow, even like my children. They like having words of affirmation, but sometimes they really don't. So it's interesting. I wonder if you switch? Is this like a core thing? Or is it like a? Could it be situational? I wonder, or that's

JJ Parker  5:45  
a pretty good question. Yeah. When I when I do my own self reflection on this, and we'll get to the one that is my love language. Yeah. I feel like it's been the same for pretty much ever. Okay.

Melissa Albers  5:59  
Okay. So maybe

JJ Parker  6:00  
that says me,

Melissa Albers  6:01  
maybe, no, it probably is. It's probably like your really, really core thing. And then situational. Maybe other things can apply. But I bet you're kind of wired in a certain maybe. Yeah. But yes, I was just thinking like, one of my I don't know if either of my children are words that I I think it's I see it in some clients for sure. And usually, well, and I don't even want to place judgment I sold my words don't mean there's not a judgement. It's an observation here. It feels like people that are a lot more extroverted are naturally people that enjoy more words. Yeah. And words of affirmation. Makes sense?

JJ Parker  6:35  
Yeah. Right. Yeah. Yeah. Alright, so the next one is acts of service.

Melissa Albers  6:41  
Oh, this is totally your love language, isn't it? It is I knew. Yes. So this is my husband's too big.

JJ Parker  6:51  
I like doing stuff for people. I like the way I show love. I do stuff. Yes. And yes, this is the part where it is, like, super insightful for my relationship with with Amber. Yeah, was like, whenever I wanted to really show her love and appreciation. Like I would clean the

Melissa Albers  7:12  
house. I know you're gonna say that. That's what Mitch does. Mitch still does that. Yeah. But

JJ Parker  7:18  
for ambered that drives her crazy. She's like, Why are you cleaning the house? Because we're like the cleaning Nazi like, why are you like, I'm like, because I love you so much. Right? And it's like, completely backfiring on me. Because all she wants. She doesn't want me to do that. Like she does. Yeah, her love language. So it's like, I'm not actually yeah, showing her love by doing that. Right. She's not like, I'm trying to show her love that way. Yeah, he's like, not recently she's receiving it as quite the opposite. Yeah.

Melissa Albers  7:45  
Like you're avoiding her, or cuz you're busy or like I'm for this

JJ Parker  7:48  
size in the cleanliness of the house.

Melissa Albers  7:51  
Okay, oh, that's interesting, because I went right to how I felt. And I do feel sometimes, like, if Mitch and I, for example. So Mitch and I have been in total wedded bliss for I don't know, 2627 years, whatever it is. But I whenever we will really get into it. Like, which isn't? I don't know. I don't know how often it doesn't matter. Not often. But whenever we do. The very next day, or soon afterwards, the whole flippin house looks like we had Merry Maids in for two weeks. And it's like, Oh, dear. And when we were first married, I would be like, What the hell is this? I couldn't figure that out. It's like he's cleaning the house. Well, that's strange. Like, why doesn't he just sit down to me? Right? Like, oh, look at now he's now he's in there cleaning the garage. Like, depending on his level of how much love he was trying to show, we had like, amazing results. But I did not understand that. That's what he was doing. He was showing me that he felt bad. He was showing me that he liked me. He was showing me all these things by action.

JJ Parker  8:56  
Isn't that interesting? Yes. Right. Yeah. And without that awareness, yeah, you put it you just found it annoying and strange.

Melissa Albers  9:04  
Yeah. Well, actually, the way I took it was not that he was trying to show me love. I actually took it like what I said a couple seconds ago was that he was trying to avoid really getting into a deeper conversation, and that his way of avoiding was to just stay away. I cleaning. Yeah. So I was taking it the exact opposite way that I was intended. And that made him feel really bad and no matter. And here's the funny part. So I'd be interested to see with this book, if this, Gary, if people can see outside of their own language enough to recognize how they're perceived on the wrong end of the stick.

JJ Parker  9:37  
Yeah. Yeah. So that was the thing for me is like, just like Mitch, I'm like, Why isn't this working? I'm doing so much stuff. Yeah, right.

Melissa Albers  9:47  
Yes, exactly. Exactly. And I also notice that as that's mitches love language, if he is feeling not supported by me, or he's not feeling particularly loved. What he wants me to do is clean the house. Yeah. And I'm like, What? No, no, that doesn't make any sense to me, right? I don't care if the house clean. I just want to come and sit with you. And he's like, Oh, dear God, don't do that.

JJ Parker  10:15  
So that's the thing that I've talked about in this book is like, like, in order to figure out what your love language is, yeah, like, observe the thing you try to do.

Melissa Albers  10:28  
Oh, right. It's interesting. Yeah.

JJ Parker  10:32  
Like, what you will do for others, is what your love language is. Right? Right. So that makes sense. So the house cleaning thing, a service thing? Like, like, I didn't know, like, I was like, well, could my love language be? And then I will go through the whole list. And then, like, when I looked at what I would, how I would show love for someone else. Yeah. I was like, Oh, well, that's pretty obvious. What?

Melissa Albers  10:58  
Yeah, you know, it's really interesting what we want to receive. Right? Right. So my bonus mom is also this exact same way. And she's such a hard worker. She's such a hard worker. She does more than anyone I know. And she always has. And so when she sees Mitch doing these acts of service, her reaction is so funny. Her reaction is such complete adoration. It's like, Oh, wow. Like, it just blows her away when she sees someone else in service. Because that's so important to her.

JJ Parker  11:35  
Yeah. Yep. All right, moving on. Okay. The next one receiving gifts. Receiving Gifts. Yep. Their love language. Every receiving gifts like you feel loved. If someone gives you owe you a gift, right? Oh, like like, here's a prize. I like I was out. I thought of you and i i bought this for you. And I brought it to you. Yeah, right. Yeah, that would. Yeah,

Melissa Albers  12:00  
I feel so cool. So by the way, oh, my God. Like, no, I feel so uncomfortable with that. I think part of it too, is like do you like receiving gifts? Oh, I guess it

JJ Parker  12:12  
really again, you're right. Like, I know, that one does not resonate very well with me. Yeah. Yeah. I will say though, my in laws, that was definitely part of their Yeah, Fi which I love giving gifts to each other. Oh, really? So

Melissa Albers  12:29  
interesting. My in laws do too. That's really interesting.

JJ Parker  12:35  
So they'll do that all the time. They're like, you know, they'll buy stuff for people. Like get like gift giving is like a really big thing. Yeah. Well, their family and that's how they express love. Like that's

Melissa Albers  12:46  
super, super weird, in that I love giving gifts, but I don't like making a big deal about it. Like I'd rather just like, walk in and like slip something to someone to make them feel good that I was thinking of them. But I would not want to make them uncomfortable. So I wouldn't make a big deal about it at all. I would just be real casual like, but if someone tries to give me a gift, I like breakout sweating. I feel really uncomfortable.

JJ Parker  13:10  
Yeah, that's interesting, isn't it? Yeah.

Melissa Albers  13:14  
Unless they do it the same way. Like, just slip it across the table. No big deal. Like

JJ Parker  13:19  
yeah, yeah, I think that one seems really polarizing to me. I think there's people who really like, yeah, receiving gifts, and then this, like, I'm with you, like I get really uncomfortable. Yeah, receiving gifts. Well, I'm not sure why.

Melissa Albers  13:32  
Yeah, me either. I wonder if it's because in a way, in a way, if you're craving love, if you're not feeling loved in the moment, and if someone gives you a gift, so maybe it depends on you know, like, how far in you are like, what your emotional statuses are what you're feeling at that moment. But almost think like, if someone gives you a gift when you are not feeling loved, it could actually almost feel a little disingenuous. Yeah, maybe, you know, like, Don't Don't, don't try to placate. Yeah, right. So it's really interesting how boys are like true languages for some people and how when it's not yours, how different how reveals

JJ Parker  14:11  
exactly. But if you think about, like, in another way, like if someone gives you a gift, like what is that? What is that showing? Like that person's thinking about? Yes, they're willing to do something extraordinary for you. They Yeah, no, you really well, right? No, you're the things you like and dislike, and then found something that really is like, perfect, right? I mean, it's like a really like, like, deep understanding. It's like, yeah, and I knew truly is like, yeah, very love thing to give someone a gift. Right? So yeah, and to receive that, like, you can be like, wow, it could first lots of people be really powerful.

Melissa Albers  14:52  
Yeah, that's super interesting, because as I'm reflecting on this more, I'm thinking actually, I do give gifts quite a bit. But I don't make a big bottom and then I kind of forget about it. But if someone gives me a gift, I feel really awkward.

JJ Parker  15:05  
Alright, so the next the next one is quality time. Oh, okay. I like this one. Well, you kind of mentioned it a little bit and oh yeah, I did waning story. Oh, I

Melissa Albers  15:16  
did. Ooh, it's a cool,

JJ Parker  15:18  
right because of us. When Mitch is cleaning the house, all I want him to do is just sit with me with me. Right, which

Unknown Speaker  15:25  
is just poor Mitch. Oh, how long? Is six minutes? Okay, or does that seem not enough?

Melissa Albers  15:32  
Quality time? That's interesting. Yeah. I wonder if that's mine. I don't know what the fifth one is. But I'm thinking quality time Absolutely. For me. Because it doesn't read. Time is our most valuable asset to me. And being able to spend time with someone without an agenda and just for the sake of being together to me is really valuable. So I wonder if that's mine might be can you have to? I don't know. Okay,

JJ Parker  16:01  
read the book.

Unknown Speaker  16:03  
Listen to the short version.

JJ Parker  16:04  
This is this is Amber's quality time. Yeah. So just like I mean, it's actually I don't know anyone I've ever talked about, like, like, basically, I'm Mitch in your AMA. I know how that worked out. That's super funny. Right? So when whenever. You know, whenever Amber and I are trying to show each other love, like I will go do stuff. Yeah, the entire time. And she's just like, why on earth? Are you doing all this? Can you please just come see her on the couch with me? Yeah. And the entire time I'm sitting on the couch. I'm like, oh my god, I could be doing so much stuff. It's so dusty and jellies goofy crap. Because like I can never sit still for very long. Yeah.

Melissa Albers  16:47  
And you know what? I bet I guess I kind of maybe knew that was hers. Because there's been times like when we're super busy, or you're really busy. You'll get a text from her saying, I made us reservations for dinner. I always love that she does that. Because it's like she recognizes what she needs. And then she just does that she doesn't play games. I need this from you. Yeah, you better figure this out. Like she just says that this is this would be helpful. And I really like that she does that. And I think we could all be better doing that

JJ Parker  17:14  
is a really good example for like advocating for yourself. Yeah, it's really good. Yeah.

Melissa Albers  17:19  
And advocating actually an advocating for your marriage, which I think a lot of times not getting too deep. But this is what people do, though, is they don't get their love language met. And then they start telling stories that aren't really true. It's just the other person isn't thinking like that, or understanding the depth of that.

JJ Parker  17:34  
Yeah. How? What if, like, could it be as simple as there's these five general buckets? Yeah, people are misaligned for 30 years. And yeah, just struggle. And if they would just have the awareness, right. The other person needs to be showing love in this fairly simple way. It's like a

Melissa Albers  17:58  
roadmap to success.

JJ Parker  18:03  
We're gonna get comment, like, I tried the five love languages, and I get divorced.

Unknown Speaker  18:08  
But I did find a really cool new shark back.

JJ Parker  18:12  
So quality time, like, again, since this one's not mine, I have to be really deliberate. Yeah, with a hammer about that. And I'm not. And honestly, I, I probably fail at that all the time. Like, I try I try. But it's really hard. I mean, honestly, it's really hard for me to sit and kind of, like, hang out and and do nothing, or more than, yeah, four and a half minutes. Yeah,

Melissa Albers  18:38  
that's also a very male thing, though, too. All right. Yeah. I mean, it really is like most men, most men, I hate to put generalizations, but I don't mean as a judgement. It's, it's like, that's a study, like, it's harder for me to stay in something, you know, for longer periods of time. Like they always say, if you have teenage boys, the best time to talk with them, where they're stuck, where they can hear you is when you're driving in the car, because you're moving, you're not you're not looking at each other, you're looking in the same direction and you're doing something. So they are their brain is allowed to listen to her during that time and can't escape.

JJ Parker  19:16  
Alright, so the last one physical touch. Okay, right.

Unknown Speaker  19:20  
Mm hmm. Yeah. So

JJ Parker  19:21  
for some people, that's like, really how I feel. And actually, when you're talking about kids, like, I kind of suspect that this is my daughter's love language. Because all the time. She wants, like, hang on you. Well, hang on us. But like really? Like she asked all the time. Like, Hey, can you rub my back in there? Oh, like brushing her hair. She's like, Oh, rubbing her back. Oh, right. Yeah. So like, I think that's actually I blame the fate of babysitter on that we had this babysitter when she was like, really like when she was a baby and she used to like rub her back. Until she fell asleep. No. Yeah. I mean, right. That's like, and then and then and then just kind of like formed into like a little habit of always like, can you relate back until I fall asleep oil? I kind of time.

Melissa Albers  20:17  
Let me see is this touch? This is quality time this is a service. I don't know I've got about two and a half

JJ Parker  20:25  
but no, this is I think like I'm like I as she's gotten older. Yeah, it's like she still likes. Yeah. And that's how I think she right now she's loved. That's really

Melissa Albers  20:35  
interesting. I, I feel like really independent. And I feel like, and sometimes I like to hold mitches hand or whatever. But most of the time, I don't that physical touch can sometimes almost feel like overwhelming. You know, like, if someone's in my personal space too much. I start to feel like oh, I just I can't breathe like I know face. Yeah. So that's really interesting. How about so what do you think your what do you? What are your boys? Like? What do you think? Like if we were like,

JJ Parker  21:06  
I I've been trying to like decode the vibe. Yeah, boy is yeah, no going there. They're 15 and 16. So yeah, they're also aliens are hard to understand what sort of species they are temporarily, temporarily. They'll come back to being humans later. No, I don't. You know, I'm not really sure. I think. I don't know. Yeah, I haven't figured that one out. I was just thinking I've been testing it a little bit. But

Melissa Albers  21:42  
yeah. What do you think? What about your, I was just looking at that. And that's hard to because they're in the early 20s. I have a boy and a girl. And they both have a little bit of acts of service. But I don't know if that's a carryover from watching their dad. Right. And that would be interesting to genetically or just through your family unit. How you gain your love language, if it's through your family, you know, your core family or whatever. But I see.

JJ Parker  22:12  
Yeah, you're right. Is that like, um, is they talk about like, things being like nature versus nurture. Mm hmm. Is that like a nature like a hard wiring thing? Or is that like a nurture thing like, behavior? Behavior you learned? Like, from your upbringing?

Melissa Albers  22:32  
Yeah. Because I think when little kids or when kids are little, I think that physical touch is much more, I think it's mandatory. Like, I remember when I was little, my mom and I would do a lot of road trips to go visit my grandparents. And I remember my mom and I holding hands in the car. And we had a bag of candy between the two of us, I don't know if that was the tie that binds. We would hold hands, like for miles, that was such a big thing for me. And my daughter, Megan, when she was little, she had to constantly be sitting on my lap or me holding her until she was like, two and a half years old. She did not like to be away from me. Like she wanted to be held all the time. And now she's not really much of that person. But she does like acts of service. And so does my son. It's hard to say. I wonder

JJ Parker  23:18  
if there is a little bit of like, that is maybe like more discoverable as you mature. Yeah. Right. Like, and even. Like, if you were to if I were to read this book, you know, like, I got married when I was like, 25. Yeah, I even as a 25 year old, I might not have been able to recognize, right, this stuff. Yeah, it could be like, yeah, it takes a little bit of knowing yourself for a while. Yeah,

Melissa Albers  23:50  
I actually think that it does, too. And I think maybe I think maybe try different things out a little bit. Yeah. Because I think too, depending on who you hang around with, you know, your your your friend cliques when you're young, all of that the social pressure have to be a certain way too. I think all of that impacts how you receive love and what you what makes you feel good versus what you think socially, you're supposed to feel good by her. So that's it's really interesting conversation.

JJ Parker  24:16  
Yeah, I wouldn't even just expanded we talked about I mean, we obviously just talked mostly about our spouses, and our families. I've explained all of this stuff to our friends. Right? All of our friends want to feel loved. I mean, some some friendships like, you know, especially if your dude like Don't say like, hey, hey, man, I love you already, but like we can still like express these things. And yeah, for sure and support our friends by acting in these ways, and I would say even for me, it expands to my coworkers Yeah, to I want them to feel appreciated, right. And in business, we don't use things like I want all my employees to feel loved what I do.

Melissa Albers  25:01  
Yeah, it's like my coaching clients, I want them to feel so loved and safe in the coaching relationship that they that that is not something that's on their mind at all. They're just in it to get better or to grow about themselves.

JJ Parker  25:15  
So this is I think this is a great framework. Yeah, me too. I'd recommend everyone reading this book. And I, you know, I'd hope just like, just like it did for me, it like really helped me, like understand myself, and it had a big positive impact on my relationship. And

Melissa Albers  25:30  
that's really cool. And now even though I was all flippant at the beginning, I'm actually gonna read it now.

Unknown Speaker  25:35  
It sounds awesome.

Melissa Albers  25:38  
We hope that you've enjoyed today's episode. Our mission is to help people become happier and more effective by gaining insight into their own thoughts and feelings. We love your support. First, share this podcast with anyone you think might enjoy it. Second, leave us a rating or review on your favorite podcast site. This helps others discover the podcast so we can reach more people. Third, sign up for our newsletter at the self awareness journey calm. This will help us communicate better with you and build our community. Thank you so much for joining us in the self awareness journey. We'll see you next week.

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Discussed in this episode

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Meet your guides

JJ Parker

JJ Parker is a serial entrepreneur passionate about building creative strategy, efficient operations, and unique marketing perspectives. Parker got his start as a student at The Minneapolis Institute of Art, and soon after launched his first company Tightrope Media Systems (TRMS) with a high school buddy in 1997.

Melissa Albers

Melissa is passionate about developing people’s self-awareness and ability to positively interact with others. She focuses on the importance of building influence, and highlights the most important relationship we have is with self first. Ms. Albers speaks on leadership and self-awareness, and has shared the stage with John Maxwell (Leadership Author and Speaker), Lee Cockerell (Exec VP of Disney) and Les Brown (Motivational Speaker) to name a few.

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